A little bit about my best friend...

Let me tell you about Shelli. I've known her since I was 8 years old. We've been best friends through thick and thin. I've watched her suffer through her own parents alcoholism, emotional abuse and eventual divorce. I've been with her as her mother continued to berate her into adulthood, then finally die and leave Shelli in some peace. I've witnessed her brother go from juvenile delinquent with violent tendancies to an adult having been convicted of a felony and is now in jail. I've been with her through two failed, abusive marriages and single parenthood. Most recently, I've tried to council her against marrying someone she's kicked out twice because he is controlling and careless with money. She married him anyway.

Now, she says he wants to have a baby and even though she doesn't really want another, she's thinking about it because it'll make him happy. She tried to compare that to my relationship with Bill in that I had previously decided that I didn't want anymore babies because I was single and even if I weren't, I probably couldn't rely on any man I was married to to be able to pull his fair share in the parenting arena. When I met Bill, that attitude changed because he's not like most men. He's a good person, he has high standards for how he expects people to behave and is a GREAT step-father to Bailey. I changed my mind about having more babies because I want him to have the experience of having a child and I want to have his babies.

Shelli thinks that having a baby to make Pat happy is the same thing as my changing my mind about having another baby with the right person. In the next sentence, she's saying that she doesn't want to go through what I've been through with infertility and repeated miscarriages. She's afraid of birth defects. She's scared that another child would be so vastly different from her daughter, who is a really good, really even tempered, smart little girl, and she would struggle with a kid who is higher maintenance. I'm afraid that in 6 months or a year or two years, she's going to get sick of Pat making demands and wasting their savings and being passive/aggressive with her and she's going to throw him out. Their marriage won't last. I hope it does, for her sake, but I know it won't.

That's a horrible thing for me to say, I've been her best friend for 25 years. I think I have the right to say it, no matter how horrible it is though. She's asked for my advice over and over and over and gone against my very good council every single time. I never once told her what to do, I counselled her to take her time making a decision and to stick to it once she figured out what she wanted. She constantly waffles and gives in and blames herself for relationships failing. It probably is her fault, indirectly, because she has walls and unreachable standards and then repeatedly chooses men who are doomed to fail.

I want to be happy for her, and as long as she's happy, I'm happy. I know that even though she says that she doesn't know what she wants and they should wait until she's ready to make a decision, I'm certain he will talk her into it or she will give in to "make him happy" and end up regretting it later. She will resent him for "making" her have another baby and she'll probably end up resenting the baby when she's finally had enough of Pat, or he bails because marriage and parenting is too hard.

I guess it's a good thing that I'm the one person who will never abandon her. No matter what decision she makes, no matter what happens to her, I'll be there to keep giving her good advice. I'll be there when she ignores it and makes a poor choice anyway. I'll try to stop judging her for making what I consider to be poor choices, but it's hard. I love her like a sister and I only want good things for her, so I hope the culmination of all of these "poor choices" is eventual peace and contentment.